The Extra-Docrestrial

Illustration by Lynda Richardson

Different species of doctor can trigger different emotions in the explorers that observe and co-exist alongside them. Some, like the Consultasaurus Rex, inspire a sort of fearful respect, while others, like the golden goose consultant, exude an aura of hope, instilling a belief in explorers that they too can survive in the harsh climes of the Healthcare Habitat. But different to these, one species can evoke a most fascinating emotion: an immense feeling of unknowing, a feeling that an explorer is so out-of-their-depth that it is almost as if those around them are speaking a bizarre alien language. These are the EDs, or Extra-Docrestials.

The ED's ability to produce a feeling of overwhelming unpreparedness comes mostly through its language. The ED employs a strange collection of abbreviations and a highly advanced and totally extraplanar vocabulary to communicate with other inhabitants of the ecosystem. The vast majority of these inhabitants, having spent many years working alongside this alien race, demonstrate an ability to grasp the complexities of their communications, whereas many explorers, relatively unversed in the "standard" abbreviations and terms of their particular healthcare ecosystem, can struggle to understand oft-crucial parts of conversation.

Unable to determine whether  "DCIS" is a condition, procedure or forensic detective show, a naive explorer can quickly become bogged down in medical jargon that they have never heard before, thereby reducing the usefulness of any and all expeditions into the Lovecraftian domain of the Extra-Docrestrial.

If an explorer working with extra-docrestrials is confronted by a term or abbreviation that he cannot fathom, he has several options regarding how to proceed:

1.       Pretend that they have understood. A risky manoeuvre, it avoids the embarrassment of asking the ED what they mean, but can be difficult to perform when directly conversing with the ED - if they ask the explorer a question or give them an order, said explorer runs the risk of making a fool of themselves, by either doing something incorrectly or having to go back and ask the extra-docrestrial what they meant a second time. Only to be attempted by explorer's that have mastered the art of hasty improvisation.

2.       Note to look up later. Again, hides the fact that the explorer has not understood, (plus the act of jotting down things on a notepad helps the explorer appear extra-studious!). This technique does however pose similar difficulties when knowledge of meaning is needed urgently, plus many terms are only used on a local basis, making them hard to find and decipher on the internet.

3.       Ask the ED what the term means. Probably the best for the average explorer, this will clarify the extra-docrestrial's message, immediately improving quality of teaching. The earlier that the clarification is requested the better, as this helps an explorer appear keen and inquisitive. Just be wary of asking too often in one sitting - a few clarifications are fine, but when every other word is needing clarification, it is a good indicator that further self-directed study is needed upon the subject.

It is not the intention of extra-docrestrials to confuse explorers - the terms that they use are commonplace for them, and many individuals may not even realise that they are using them. A proactive explorer can easily survive an encounter with the species, coming out the other side with much-needed learning and pride (relatively) intact.