The Studolphin

Illustration by Lynda Richardson

Nobody hates dolphins. In the world outside the healthcare habitat, these aquatic mammals demonstrate their friendly personality, effective team workers and eagerness to help their fellow flora and fauna through their mutual struggle to coexist in nature. And the same goes within the walls of the hospital ecosystem, for amongst all the denizens of the healthcare habitat, few are as loved as much as the studolphin.

Explorers will often be able to anticipate an encounter with the species, as mere mention of the name of an individual studolphin will inspire the call of "Oh, you're on placement with (insert name)? He's SO nice!". Further inquisition will reveal little else, apart from really hitting home how incredibly nice they apparently are, but the point still stands - the studolphin is one of the best expedition companions an explorer can have.

Need to borrow notes for revision? Don't worry, the studolphin has already made you copies of everything he has, because he realised that they would be useful to you when he originally made or was given them. Need to collaborate on a project? The studolphin will in all likelihoods bend over backwards to accommodate your timetable, or if failing that, he'll have already finished his bit, as well as made a few suggestions as to what to include in yours. Got a skill that needs signing off, but there's only one opportunity between the two of you? The studolphin will nobly take the bullet, stepping aside so you can have a go at cannulating the lovely elderly woman who has veins the size of garden hoses - they'll wait for the demented patient with spider-webs for veins to yank out another cannula, so they can have a valiant effort at a task on a par with the 12 trials of Hercules. In summary, the studolphin would push you out of the way of an oncoming train, then apologise for creasing your placement shirt.

The only downside for any explorers working alongside this species is their Karmic balance. A typical studolphin's karma is off the scale with positivity, and as a result, a comparison between an explorer and his studolphin partner will leave the explorer coming off as the worst human on the face of the earth - think Adolf Hitler, if he thought Steven Gerrard was the greatest premier league player of all time. Come to think of it, the studolphin's relinquishment of skill opportunities isn't as noble as first thought, given that he'll expend an infinitely small proportion of his karma to conjure up three or four more chances before the explorer has even finished with his first go.

Putting the karma-effect aside, studolphins are to be treasured by explorers, for they are a species that can be hugely beneficial to any that come across them.

Sadly, the studolphin is also one of the more vulnerable species in the ecosystem. Their inherent politeness makes them easy prey for Consultasaurus attacks, who's biting tone and disheartening language are among the very few tools that can pierce the studolphin's protective karmic shell, exposing the creature's gentle soul before the Consultasaurus finishes it off with a brutal put-down. This can toughen up the individual, but it can also be harmful to their confidence, reducing their inclination to explore the healthcare habitat. The species can also suffer from exploitation - they may be willing to let others move ahead of them, but sometimes this comes at their detriment, and too much self-sacrifice can even expend their extensive karmic resources.

This humble explorer is no studolphin - I would happily trample my explorer comrades just so I could take the first chance to get my AMTS skill signed off - but I know that the studolphin must be protected. An explorer must try their best to reciprocate the species selfless deeds, helping them in the struggle to survive the healthcare habitat. Be this by trading notes, letting them take the first opportunities or anything else, the explorer community has to unite to preserve this delicate and important member of the ecosystem before it fades away entirely, replaced by a sea of piranhacademics, all swarming over one another, in a dog-eat-dog habitat where only the strong survive.

The Alpha Nurse

Illustration By Lynda Richardson

As an explorer, one will no doubt spend considerable time working with the nurse genus, an abundant group of species that has adapted to numerous environments in the healthcare habitat. Generally, these encounters can be a mixed bag due to the diversity of nurse species, with some being very happy to allow explorers into their pack, and others not really knowing what to do with us strange, often shy or unprepared interlopers.  One species of nurse that can be very helpful in an explorers integration to the pack is that of the "Alpha nurse".

Generally one of the nurses in a position of command, the alpha species is one of the most able, in terms of leadership, teamwork, patient interaction and task management. Most species of nurse will quickly defer to the alpha, and the most of the doctor genus' interaction with nurse species will come through this individual. As an explorer, it is very useful to shadow these members of the team, as they seem to be involved with everything that the pack is doing.

The welcoming and integrating process in a nurse pack is vastly different to the same process whilst working with species such as the Consultasaurus Rex. Where these species expect the explorer to only make themselves known when the species decides that they have the time to be inclusive, the alpha nurse expects any explorer seeking to integrate into a pack's ward to make their presence heard. This is best done by approaching a member of the pack, giving them a greeting, to which the pack member will normally redirect you towards the pack's alpha.

Boldness in this circumstance is highly rewarded - the pack is very busy during the day, and is less likely to approach an explorer stood at ward reception looking around sheepishly than it is to react pleasantly to an approach from a more daring explorer. Although, one must not go too far so as to be rude - alphas can become irritated if their daily rituals are directly interrupted by an overly abrasive explorer - and as is the case outside the healthcare habitat, a pack will always support their leader, meaning an icy reception from the alpha will incur further iciness from the rest of the pack.

If the pack leader believes that the explorer will be a useful addition to the pack, helping with more menial tasks, performing skills that would otherwise be seen as mundane chores, then the explorer will be brought into the fold with open arms. The benefits of this inclusion are numerous to an explorer, making time spent in the pack's territory much more useful. With pack support, an explorer will often be able to:

·         Cherry-pick the best activities and rituals to take part in - from taking bloods to inserting cannulas, if an explorer declares themselves up for a task, the alpha will gladly grant you the boon, normally with an underling pack member to guide you through the process. This can even extend so far as for some packs to hold onto certain rituals until the explorer's arrival, to give them the chance to take part if they so desire.

·         Gain pack intel about the best patients to talk to - with pack favour, the alpha will recommend which patients are best to interview - helping avoid difficult interactions with patients that are unwilling to entertain an explorer.

The alpha nurse, and in extension the nurse pack, are valuable allies to have gained in the healthcare habitat. The opportunities that a long-term pact with this species can produce are innumerable, and explorers are advised to build healthy relationships from the offset. They are, after all, going to be strongly present factors in the  rest of the explorers time in the healthcare habitat.

The Doctor Sphinx

Illustration by Lynda Richardson

The myth of the sphinx is long and intriguing tale, harkening back to the days of ancient Greece and Egypt, where storytellers told of an abnormal beast, part man, part lion and part eagle. The fantastical amalgamation would stop travellers on long and winding roads, challenging them to a riddle - a test of their knowledge and deductive power. Though the world at large believes that these beasts were merely flights of fancy, the world of medicine knows that this is not the truth of the matter. For within the healthcare habitat, the creatures thrive in secret to those beyond the medical coil. The riddle of the sphinx lives on.

Evolution has however made drastic changes to the species, most notably in the creature's outward appearance. Gone are the wings and feline features, replaced by appropriate healthcare attire and a variety of examination equipment, such as tendon hammers and an infinite number of little black pens. Though distinctly less cool, this appearance has helped the race integrate itself into the healthcare habitat, cooperating well with most creatures on the healthcare food chain.

Interestingly, the sphinx does not categorize into any distinct area of the doctor sub-groups, with sphinx variations found in every genus, be this foundation years, registrar or consultant, as well as in every specialty of medicine. Though well varied amongst the genu, there remains one main characteristic that distinguishes all the sphinxes (sphinxii? sphincters?) - their riddling nature.

All sphinx species take great pleasure in proposing riddles to those around them - generally to species located lower than them on the food chain - normally students, less senior doctors or explorers such as this author. This riddling can occur at any time, often without provocation from the underling, and will consist of a sequence of medical-based questions, normally around the sphinx' chosen specialty, though the difficulty of these can vary from "what is the standard medication for...." to "name for me every single type of hernia ever", and off-topic riddles can be thrown in for good measure.

In this instance, the sphinx is testing the underling, hoping that the selected creature will attempt to answer each question. The process can be beneficial to both parties, for if the underling attempts to answer, he or she is taught not only the knowledge of the question, but their ability to think under pressure and apply knowledge can also be honed. Explorers are strongly advised to answer the challenge, given the minimal risks of such an action.

Riddling will normally cease when one of several eventualities occurs:

1. The sphinx becomes distracted by more pressing concerns - though eager to riddle, the sphinx like all good doctors, knows that the patient is the priority.
2. The sphinx grows bored with riddling the underling, moving on to find more entertaining opponents. This can occur if their opponent too frequently responds with "I don't know". Explorers should attempt to answer each riddle - the sphinx will appreciate the effort of attempting an answer, even if the attempt is incorrect.
3. The sphinx runs out of questions - a more common event in younger variations of the species. If an explorer wishes for the riddling to continue, they should ask a question in response, which may kick start the sphinx back into action (preferably ask a question of a similar topic - "what is your favourite colour?" will not inspire many new riddles...).

Like the golden goose consultant, the doctor sphinx is looking to help their underlings, not just watch them squirm under pressure. Though some lines of questioning can be intimidating to an unprepared explorer, it is important to be game for the situation - the harder the riddle, the greater the benefit wrought by the explorer.

Consultasaurus Rex

The Consultasaurus Rex

Illustration By David Reid
Colours by Lynda Richardson

During your foray through the jungle that is the medical workplace, you will be confronted by countless daunting tasks on an everyday basis. However, few will be as intense and nerve-wracking as when you encounter the dreaded Consultasaurus Rex.

The Consultasaurus, a sub-species of the varied genus of "consultants", is a fossil of a bygone era, a relic that inexplicably continues to exist despite the rest of the medical world evolving into a more adapted and entirely new ecosystem. Highly aggressive, the species is predator to a wide range of fauna, including students, nurses, junior doctors and on rare occasion, other species of consultant. 

Ready to pick up on any sign of weakness, hesitancy or error, the Consultasaurus Rex is famous for using its angry, impatient tone and demoralizing language to bite the prey's head off - often whilst spouting its iconic roar of "When I was a student..." followed by some ridiculous feat of hard work they apparently performed and a generalised statement explaining why modern students are terrible and medicine is falling apart. Individuals are even rumoured to have demonstrated further aggressive activity, although many of these cases are unsubstantiated or are the subject of hearsay.

Though hugely rare in the modern era (with most of the consultant genus being largely docile unless provoked), and with changes in the teaching of medicine driving the species slowly toward extinction, it is still possible that any explorer of the medical safari can encounter them, and therefore must be informed as to how best to avoid becoming the prey of the Consultasaurus Rex. Though impossible to obtain the species' admiration, it is possible to achieve their (if only temporary) acceptance.

When directly interacting with the species, it is important to make movements only once the Consultasaurus has given the instruction to do so - excessive boldness, though normally effective in improving the quality of medical learning with other consultant species, can provoke aggression from the C. Rex, and explorers are advised to act with caution in the species vicinity.

Conversely, the species is often provoked by prey demonstrating signs of meekness or hesitancy. If questioned, it is imperative that explorers do not dally or pause for too long before answering - an attempt at answering questions is superior to delaying, which will trigger the species impatient nature. It can be very beneficial to a threatened explorer to have conducted excessive research into the specific Consultasaurus' interests and work prior to direct interaction, thus improving the likelihood of correctly answering when questioned.

Although it is often tempting to simply evade the Consultasaurus Rex, this is frequently impossible to do, and the more the individual becomes aware that you are avoiding them (or worse, leaving early from interactions with them), the more hostile they will be when the inevitable encounter occurs. It is better to simply face the beast when armed with background knowledge and sufficient caution, for though the predator is highly dangerous to an unprepared explorer, the benefits of interacting with members of the species can be numerous.

Under the high pressure and intense scrutiny of these predators, explorers will often receive the most effective teaching. Fear is an effective motivator, and from personal experience the author of this blog can tell you that having worked with a Consultasaurus for over a month, the topics learnt under this authority are now by far the strongest in the author's entire knowledge base. In the event that an explorer does find themselves trapped in this situation, their best bet is to work their hardest, face the beast and reap lucrative rewards.

Golden Goose Consultant

Illustration by Lynda Richardson

Few experiences of the healthcare habitat are as rewarding as when an explorer comes across a golden goose consultant. Whether the encounter is through fate or through searching, any hardworking explorer should seek out this well-sought after species, in the hopes of claiming some of the treasures that these magnificent creatures possess.

Found most frequently in less hectic areas of the ecosystem, in specialities such as elderly medicine or away from the hospital altogether, in GP practices. Once the golden goose encounters an explorer, it will approach them in an inviting manner, and will almost immediately begin to offer its gifts - one-on-one teaching opportunities, skill practice, contact details for other consultants, even the rarest of prized treasures - offers of work experience or opportunities above and beyond that of standard explorer training. The knowledge taken from these is hugely valuable to any explorer, and these encounters often prove the most lucrative of any explorer's expeditions on the safari.

Once an explorer accepts these gifts, the golden goose will often become even further inclined to produce more and more treasures, benefitting the recipient more and more exponentially. To maximise rewards reaped from these scenarios, explorers are advised to respond with positivity and enthusiasm, egging on the generous species to be even more beneficial in the future. By contrast, responding negatively, or worse, apathetically, can be very detrimental to the experience, often disheartening the species into producing less of its' treasured gifts. In the event that an explorer wants to accept a gift (such as work experience) but is physically unable to (due to prior commitments for example), the explorer can reject an offer without majorly disheartening the golden goose, but persistent rejection puts the explorer at increased risk of missing out on rewards.

Of course, like all other species from the consultant genus, the golden goose is an extremely hardworking species, so can often be distracted from an explorer it has encountered, and may become irritated by the explorer if he or she persists too aggressively in demanding gifts. A patient approach to conversing with the species is recommended - even if the goose is too hassled during an encounter to produce any rewards, it is unlikely that this will continue in the future, so be patient and wait for the correct opportunity to work more closely.

Golden goose consultants are surprisingly difficult to encounter during general exploration of the healthcare habitat, so it is important that once an explorer has found one, they must do their best to stay in touch with the species. Sharing contact details can be very lucrative, allowing the receipt of certain prizes despite the explorer and consultant no longer working in proximity to one another. In an ideal situation, golden geese may even seek out the explorer to offer rewards, such as offering the opportunity to aid in research, or attend special one-off medical events.

Explorers may be tempted to boast of their find with their comrades in exploration, but on a selfish note, this can provoke these comrades to also seek out said fabled golden goose, and as a result, the golden goose may begin to offer gifts to other explorers, potentially reducing the number of gifts that you yourself may receive. If tempted to discuss encounters whilst exploring, simply bring up the Consultasaurus Rex that you worked with last month. They're welcome to take him off your hands.

Golden geese are a fountain from which countless opportunities may spring for any explorer, provided that the explorer approaches the situation enthusiastically and patiently. If you are on good terms with an individual of the species, the individual will most probably be friendly to you, and the rewards from such a friendship can keep coming for countless years.

Student Sloth

The Student Sloth

Illustration by Lynda Richardson

The medical safari has an abundance of species from the student genu, and one of the most curious and enigmatic of these species is the student sloth. Generally docile, the student sloth is a lesser-spotted creature in the ecosystem, often as a result of the creature's disdain to leave the shelter of its own home except when absolutely necessary. The reason for this inactivity is often unclear, but experts have cited both poor work ethic and fatigue as potential causes.

However, the sloth should not to be confused with the "party animal" species, which will be discussed in a future article, for though both are often absent from the hospital ecosystem, the sloth presents with an equal level of disdain for the party animal's famed nocturnal activities. Except the consumption of alcohol, which the sloth will happily partake in, provided that they are not required to walk any great distance.

The combination of the species' lack of activity during both the day and night cycle provokes a compelling mystery as to the cause of the sloth's distinct apathy - potential theories that explain this phenomenon include:

• The secrecy theory - the theory suggesting that sloths in fact study through the night, unbeknownst to the world at large.
• The superhero theory - where the sloth is in fact a masked crimefighter, choosing to spend his nights battling evil, for the benefit of mankind.
• The screen-scroller theory - that sloth's spend many hours each night scrolling the internet, playing games and watching movies.

Sadly, the mysteriousness of the sloth's inner nature and a lack of evidence to support any of these theories mean that explorers can only speculate as to the real cause of fatigue amongst sloths (Editor note: there is actually substantial evidence in support of the screen-scroller theory, but it is much more fun to think that they're up to something a little more glamorous each night).

There can be benefits and costs to explorers who find themselves working in close proximity with students of the sloth species - their absences in the ecosystem mean for better one-on-one teaching for explorers and more opportunities to perform skills under supervision. However this increased scrutiny can be costly in certain circumstances, such as if explorers find themselves one-on-one with a Consultasaurus Rex.

Similarly, tasks requiring sloth contribution become more stressful, with the sloth's insistence on acting only in the very last minute prior to a piece of work's deadline. This is most commonly a ploy to reduce the risk of the sloth having to re-do any piece of work, and very rarely will a sloth ever leave a task incomplete beyond deadline. Explorers must remember that the best way to approach a task alongside sloths is to simply complete your aspect of the project and present this to the sloth, who will then put the work together as is their nature. This also means that explorer's avoid the arduous task of formatting separate pieces of work into one coherent project.

One final cause for concern if frequently exposed to sloth activity is that explorers can find themselves "going native", becoming tempted by the sloth's seemingly effortless lifestyle, without consideration for the sloth's ability to effortlessly pass exams. They have been habituated over the course of many years to be able to survive countless last-minute project completions, minimalist revision and extended hours dedicated to nothing but leisure. You have not. They were born to this nature, whereas you have merely adopted it, and will not last long when deadlines draw near and pressure mounts.

In conclusion, student sloths are mysterious creatures, capable of impressive feats of revision efficiency. By all means partake in their lifestyle, but do not become too engrossed, as this can prove deadly for your career as an explorer of the medical habitat.