The Studolphin

Illustration by Lynda Richardson

Nobody hates dolphins. In the world outside the healthcare habitat, these aquatic mammals demonstrate their friendly personality, effective team workers and eagerness to help their fellow flora and fauna through their mutual struggle to coexist in nature. And the same goes within the walls of the hospital ecosystem, for amongst all the denizens of the healthcare habitat, few are as loved as much as the studolphin.

Explorers will often be able to anticipate an encounter with the species, as mere mention of the name of an individual studolphin will inspire the call of "Oh, you're on placement with (insert name)? He's SO nice!". Further inquisition will reveal little else, apart from really hitting home how incredibly nice they apparently are, but the point still stands - the studolphin is one of the best expedition companions an explorer can have.

Need to borrow notes for revision? Don't worry, the studolphin has already made you copies of everything he has, because he realised that they would be useful to you when he originally made or was given them. Need to collaborate on a project? The studolphin will in all likelihoods bend over backwards to accommodate your timetable, or if failing that, he'll have already finished his bit, as well as made a few suggestions as to what to include in yours. Got a skill that needs signing off, but there's only one opportunity between the two of you? The studolphin will nobly take the bullet, stepping aside so you can have a go at cannulating the lovely elderly woman who has veins the size of garden hoses - they'll wait for the demented patient with spider-webs for veins to yank out another cannula, so they can have a valiant effort at a task on a par with the 12 trials of Hercules. In summary, the studolphin would push you out of the way of an oncoming train, then apologise for creasing your placement shirt.

The only downside for any explorers working alongside this species is their Karmic balance. A typical studolphin's karma is off the scale with positivity, and as a result, a comparison between an explorer and his studolphin partner will leave the explorer coming off as the worst human on the face of the earth - think Adolf Hitler, if he thought Steven Gerrard was the greatest premier league player of all time. Come to think of it, the studolphin's relinquishment of skill opportunities isn't as noble as first thought, given that he'll expend an infinitely small proportion of his karma to conjure up three or four more chances before the explorer has even finished with his first go.

Putting the karma-effect aside, studolphins are to be treasured by explorers, for they are a species that can be hugely beneficial to any that come across them.

Sadly, the studolphin is also one of the more vulnerable species in the ecosystem. Their inherent politeness makes them easy prey for Consultasaurus attacks, who's biting tone and disheartening language are among the very few tools that can pierce the studolphin's protective karmic shell, exposing the creature's gentle soul before the Consultasaurus finishes it off with a brutal put-down. This can toughen up the individual, but it can also be harmful to their confidence, reducing their inclination to explore the healthcare habitat. The species can also suffer from exploitation - they may be willing to let others move ahead of them, but sometimes this comes at their detriment, and too much self-sacrifice can even expend their extensive karmic resources.

This humble explorer is no studolphin - I would happily trample my explorer comrades just so I could take the first chance to get my AMTS skill signed off - but I know that the studolphin must be protected. An explorer must try their best to reciprocate the species selfless deeds, helping them in the struggle to survive the healthcare habitat. Be this by trading notes, letting them take the first opportunities or anything else, the explorer community has to unite to preserve this delicate and important member of the ecosystem before it fades away entirely, replaced by a sea of piranhacademics, all swarming over one another, in a dog-eat-dog habitat where only the strong survive.