The Medgehog

Illustration by Lynda Richardson

The vast majority of the healthcare habitat is a year-round jungle, flourishing with patients to treat, staff to follow and assist and tasks for any hard working explorer to do 24:7.However, at certain times of day (lunchtime), certain times of year (Summer) or in certain departments (I'm sure you know which ones), this lush ecosystem can quickly become empty, barren or quiet, making time spent there by explorers far less rewarding and exciting. With little to do and few organisms to work with, many species of the doctor genus hibernate, their routine and lifestyle becoming more suited to the harsh environment. These are the medgehogs.

Morphologically, the medgehog remains a fairly typical member of the medic genus - industrious, capable and intelligent - but the activities that the creatures take part in are drastically altered, with individuals dedicating copious amounts of time to a truly dull task, the tediousness of which is expanded exponentially during observation over participation. This painful, mind-numbing ritual, which all doctors must partake in, but the medgehog is most open in performing, is paperwork.

No explorer, at any point since the dawn of time, has ever uttered the phrase "Oh joy! I get to watch this medgehog write up some notes on a patient that I have never met, and will never meet as they were discharged this morning! Life is good!". If an explorer should even attempt to observe the medgehog doing paperwork, the explorer will become susceptible to "Zack Snyder syndrome", so named due to the altering of the individual's perception, with everything around appearing to enter a state of gratuitous slow motion.

After a few minutes of observing, ZS syndrome advances, with the words written by the camedic losing all meaning to the perceiver. A sentence rich in verbs, nouns, pronouns and other grammaticae will instead appear to the explorer as "word word word, word word word word", not unlike what many explorers experience whilst reading something that they have no interest in reading. The subject becomes compelled to check their phone at an increasing frequency, in the vain hope that someone has contacted them in their hour of need, to save them from this monotomy - but normally with no such fortune.

These symptoms quickly become unbearable, so an explorer must try to find an alternative task to observing the medgehog in full-on paperwork mode. Options available include:

1. Inquire to the medgehog directly about their activities - the species is normally happy to divulge, but many pieces of paperwork bear so little interest that even the individual is unavailable to procure any nugget of information to save the explorer from their tedium
2. Offer to assist the medgehog in their ritual - the medgehog will welcome assistance, but the nature of a lot of paperwork can only be managed by the creature itself, so do not be surprised to have the request rejected. Drug note re-writing is always useful practice for an explorer, as it is a likely item to appear in an explorer's end-of-expedition examinations.
3. Search for different activities - in harsh environments, other diversions and experiences are sparse, but oases can be present. Ask other doctors or nurses (Alpha nurses are particularly useful in this situation) about tasks that need doing. Or just visit a patient for a quick chat.
4. Leave the habitat - sometimes the habitat is totally dead, and an explorer will learn more in their study. This option should only be considered when all others are exhausted.

Medgehog activity is not exciting, but their hibernation is an important part of their survival in the healthcare habitat. The doctor genus sometimes must prioritise completing work in an efficient and careful manner over being  a source of diversion for explorers, meaning that sometimes we must make the most of what we have.