The Stubat

Illustration by Lynda Richardson

The stubat is one of the first species that an explorer will encounter, often before they have even set foot into the healthcare habitat. Friendly, wild and fun to be around, stubats make excellent companions through the early years of explorer training, making this a hugely enjoyable time period.

The stubat is most easily found at parties and nightclubs, with many individuals of the species frequenting these ecosystems as many as 3, 4 or 5 times a week, often employing its’ signature call of “we’ll be back by one”, to entice others of the species to accompany them on their nocturnal outings (Note: there is very little accuracy to the species’ declaration of return-time –  despite possible intentions, very rarely will a stubat be returning home any time earlier than 2:30-3PM, and explorers are advised not to take the word of the stubat as fact).

However, the presence of stubats in the student genus is most easily identified at 9AM the day following day, with the population attending morning lectures drastically dwindled by the “hangover” blight that affects most individuals of the species. Stubats not significantly daunted by the blight can use a combination of caffeine, deodorant and sheer willpower to force themselves to attend such events, but can be picked out from other species by their zoned-out demeanour (complete with “zombie-stare” and gentle head nodding as their brain attempts to shut down against the individual’s will), their hastily-thrown on garments and their 10 minute late arrival to the ritual (some members of the species going so far as to call on the service of taxis to limit the effect of their sleep-deprivation fatigue).

Stubats can be both a blessing and a hindrance to an explorer of the healthcare habitat. Their friendly, social nature means that those in close proximity to them are never short of social outings and parties to go to – a valuable part of an explorer’s training – and their incredible ability to procure event tickets and invitations from the aether of facebook ensures that few events are impossible for an explorer to attend. However, with this ability comes a certain degree of unreliability – do not trust a stubat to make a planned activity scheduled for early in the morning, especially if this event involves exercise or studying. Prepare back-up plans accordingly.

The species frequent absent from forays into the healthcare habitat can also help an explorer, meaning skills and tasks are divided amongst fewer individuals and teaching provided is more focussed to the explorer’s particular aims and interests. Conversely, a lack of companions on placement can intensify the spotlight of scrutiny imposed upon an explorer, making it harder to avoid a consultasaurus rex on the warpath, or to dodge the trickiest questions the doctor sphinx can muster. Plus, without company, quite dull placements can very quickly become insufferably dull, with even the diversion of small talk now lost.

When working or learning amongst stubats, it is important to throw yourself into the lifestyle - go out with them and join in on the fun nightlife, especially in the early stages of training when the pressures imposed are lower. What is important however, is to know the limit. Avoid adventures with the stubat the night before an expedition into the healthcare habitat (even if they spout their trusty catchphrase), and make sure to keep on top of work - sleep deprivation and a budding alcoholic tendency are not particularly great motivators to work - a problem when examinations draw near. In summary; have fun, but don't go crazy.

Note: stubats very rarely fail to take a few pictures over the night out. These will undoubtedly pop up on facebook, so be ready to strike a pose at the drop of a hat - don't be the guy on the side gurning about how late its getting and how  you have fallen foul of the stubat's "back by 1" call.

The Aconsultalotl

Illustration by Lynda Richardson

When a registrar species has sufficiently grown and adapted for its environment, it will begin a process of change, metamorphosing into one of the consultant species of doctor, ranging from the fearsome Consultasaurus Rex to the caring and treasured golden goose consultant. However, on rare occasion, individuals can also undergo a transformation into one of the most absurd and bizarre creatures in the healthcare habitat; the Aconsultalotl.

The aconsultalotl, though a species that exists in a range of specialities and comes in many forms , is in essence a very strange creature. This can present in a lot of different ways, such as singing in theatre, using strange phrases and greetings in conversation or through the development of unusual fashion sense.  Wraparound comb-over hairdos, overly-stylised facial hair, gaudy ties and clothing (most especially corduroy and tweed) are trademark features of an individual who has, or is in the process of, metamorphosing into an aconsultalotl.

The process of a seemingly normal registrar transforming into a member of this aberrant species is a long one, occurring gradually over years as a member of the consultant genus. The reasons for this transformation are unclear, but it has been speculated that an individual's propensity to become an aconsultalotl is controlled by the individual's genetic make-up. The W-E-I-R-D gene, a 100% not-made-up gene has been found to be present in a proportion of doctor species, but its presentation is inhibited by the direct supervision by superior species in their speciality's ecosystem. Once a registrar advances to consultancy, they become the apex predator in their ecosystem, and the gene-inhibition is lost, thus beginning the metamorphosis.

For explorers, interactions with the species can be a perplexing experience. In the lecture theatre ecosystem, the aconsultalotl's eccentricity makes them born public speakers, with classes  taught by the species being some of the most entertaining that this explorer has ever encountered.  However, though entertaining, the species teachings can be haphazard and so explorers must be vigilant to any important points that were made light of by the aconsultalotl. Despite the seemingly light-hearted nature of the presentation, the content can be of vital importance to an explorer's training, and thus vigorous note-taking is advised.

In the mainstream healthcare habitat, it is often an explorer's tendency to be cautious when first encountering an aconsultalotl, given the peculiarity of their mannerisms. In short time though, explorers will quickly become comfortable around that weird but unintimidating species. The aconsultalotl enjoys spending time with those that enjoy and react to their eccentricity, becoming more approachable when needed and more willing to spend time providing valuable in-habitat training to any explorer willing to play along with the individual's peculiarity. Although explorers must also remember that despite the species strange tendencies, it is still a specialty's apex predator, so caution must be taken when involving oneself in their peculiarity. A surgeon aconsultalotl will not be amused if you contaminate their theatre by throwing your arms in the air whilst joining in on their rendition of "my old man's a dust-man".

In summary, if an explorer retains an appropriate level of attention to what they are to take from each encounter, time spent with this bizarre and enigmatic species can be highly lucrative - not to mention, highly enjoyable.